Favorite Tabletop RP Moments


Secretly Elz
Retired Staff
Calling all tabletop RPers! Dungeons & Dragons, Pathfinder, etc.
What are your favorite stories from D&D? Funny stories? Memorable lines? Exciting character arcs?

I'll start with one of my favorites. I'll throw out more if this thread gets rolling.

In the early days of playing Pathfinder, I was still learning the rules. I wasn't sure what was what, what was allowed in a turn, what could or could not be done. All the fun stuff. I was in a session with some friends, two of which are now my roommates. @Bbutton was the DM at the time and I think we went pretty easy on the rules during this encounter because I was such a newbie. And also because of the absurdly hilarious direction it took.

Anyway. I was a Vishkanya barbarian, I recall. Not exactly an efficient pairing of race and class, because a Vishkanya's bodily fluids are poison. Spit, blood, etc. Roommate #2, I THINK was a Vanara Summoner. IIRC there was a Kobold Rogue somewhere in the mix. I dunno. The party was up against a drake that crashed into this village or town or some such. It kept using its bite attack on us, much to our annoyance and aggravation. Roommate #2 was getting pretty tired of the biting, so he turned to the DM and says, "I use the spell Open/Close on it."

The DM gives Roommate #2 a really odd look. "Wh-"

"Open/Close just makes a door remain open or closed, right? What is a door but something on a hinge? That drake's jaw has a hinge. So I use open/close on it."

".... Okay. Just- Okay... The Drake looks about in confusion, suddenly its mouth frozen open. It makes a gurgling cry of panic, looking now at the party in a rather frightened manner."

To which I, still uncertain of what I can really do, look to @Bbutton and say. "Can I spit in its mouth?"

I'm pretty sure the DM just shook his head sadly, just so done with the absurdity. "Yeah- Just go for it. This drake is already terrified enough. It's mouth won't close and it doesn't know why. It's scared and just came into town looking for food. It's hungry, and now- Now it's being attacked by a group of weirdos. And you're just going to spit in its mouth. Just- Okay."

"Okay. So yeah. I spit in its mouth. It takes 1d4 of poison damage."

"You people are cruel."


... is very scientifical.
Staff member
Haven't played much so I haven't got any old, fond memories, but I drop-kicked a boss into a flaming sphere while another dude had her in a headlock.

Edit: Afterwards, the ranger cut off her head for a trophy.


Faith prevail
Retired Staff
Not mine, but look up either Sir Bearington or the story about the guy who only wrestles and pins a dragon.

Edit: added imgur links.
Edit 2: should probably also add a language warning...
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Lord of Altera
Here's one:

An army of demons spills out from the gate that the necromancer summoned, your party has failed to stop his ritual and as such, now have to face a demonic warlord and his army of, ohhhh, I don't know...five? six? Yeah, six hundred minions....all who are higher levels than you guys....good luck.
The wizard was the first to die, a volley of arrows burying themselves in his chest, turning him into the most magical of pincushions...Next was the barbarian, as valiant as he was, he only took down two demons before the rest tore him limb from limb...our Rogue was next, well, the one that wasn't me, she tried to run away, only to have her neck snapped by a demonic assassin...leaving only me there with my one dagger...
The demons around me all cackle with glee, they won't make my death quick, as the warlord steps up to me smirking... I decide to make sure my own life ends quickly so as to not suffer too long...

"Roll for it"

"... what?"

"Roll for it, this guy's not gonna let you just kill yourself, he's bored."

"Ugh, FINE!" *rolls a natural one*




"So what, he catches my dagger and throws it away, breaking my wrist in the process?"

"Well a natural one means you fail as bad as you can on your current action....let me roll for something." *According to him he rolled a 2* "Right, so here's what happens...as unbelievable as it is."

I move quickly with my dagger, smiling at the irony, it had been my friend for so long, and now it's last kindness will be in ending my own life...but as the blade swiftly moves towards my neck, the warlord moves to grab my hand, but his grip falters as he didn't know how much sweat was on my arms. slipping, he impales my dagger in his own chest.

"Roll for damage...by the way, this is a critical."

"Uhhhh, I get 3x crit from the dagger, plus extra crit damage from a feat (cant remember which, sue me)"

"How much are you dealing?"

"I think im rolling....6d6...."


*rolls the dice, two 6s a 5 and three 4s*

"... thats.... that's 29....times 3....with extra damage... that's...about a hundred damage."


The Warlord coughs up blood as my dagger impales his chest, his arm raising for a moment before falling as his life leaves his body...suddenly...silence all around me. As I look around, I notice all the demons have stopped cheering and are now simply staring...moments of silence pass until a scream rings out through the air, suddenly, all the demons begin to run back towards the portal....that warlord must have been tough...I suddenly realize im alive and start laughing, after a bit of this, I mourn my fallen comrades for a bit, until a nagging voice in my head tells me something...

"You know you can bring us back right? Just head back to town and talk to the cleric."

"Oh...well im looting the demon guy first and grabbing your guys' money."

Moving towards the warlord, his body melts away...

"Come on! I just killed him, can't I loot his body?"

"You're already getting 3 levels of xp for this, like hell I'm giving you op loot."



The Shadow Admín
Staff member
WARNING: Those folks who take their DnD super serious and enforce realism, should not read this. It is likely to prove toxic to such individuals.

Once upon a time we had a running campaign with our friends and we had wrapped up the previous one rather abruptly so we started again and this campaign was the biggest overall joke I've ever had the misfortune to play in. Our DM was a dear friend but some things happened and he just lost all will to DM it, he basically stopped making encounters and there was no longer any story.

Anyway I took it upon myself to make things happen as I was playing Cyra'tina a seven year old Cleric. Whelp I found a town with Niek's character who was basically my char's guardian. An Elven cavalier called Silwen if I remember. Cyra's mission in life was to make life as hard as possible on her guardian. So she ran around town causing low level mischief and got on Silwen's nerves and she had enough. She was going to throw her in the a bag of holding for a while.

A chase ensues in which Silwen corners Cyra in an alleyway. I look at my available spells, one inculded was a summon spell that included Dolphins but we were inland far from any ocean or river so I looked to our DM.

"So, uh I can use my spells anywhere right?"
"Then I'm gonna *Insert name of summon spell* and since I"m a neutral char I can choose it to be either celestial or Demonic right?"
"I"m gonna summon a Celestial Dolphin right in front of her."
"......Okay then."

So I summon a Celestial Dolphin that plops on the dry ground and lays there between Cyra and Silwen. Niek has Silwen attempt to jump over the Dolphin and I having control over my summon have it basically flop at her.

Niek rolls her jump, she crit fails. I roll my Dolphin's flop, natural crit.

So she is knocked unconscious by my celestial dolphin where my char decides she really needs money for candy. So she gets her mechanical talking sentient steampunk horse to help drag her to the smithy where they sell and strip off her arms and armor. She then gets the horse to drag her to a nearby farm where the seven year old sells the now unarmed and unarmored Silwen into slavery to an elderly farmer.

Silwen was displeased when she returned to find Cyra riding around town on her horse, with a pink banner flying behind her.
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Puppycat Herder
Retired Staff
I ran an Eberron campaign that... was just kinda off the rails. Eberron has this mechanic called "Dragonmarks," if you aren't familiar with the setting, and I had this plot where the aberrant mark (or something) group was involved in this schemey plot to bring about this prophecy of doom. There were gonna be dragons, treks across the magical wasteland, sojourns into the mysterious jungles full of cannibalistic, death-worshiping eternal elves. It was gonna be awesome.

And so we started out in kind of like a murder mystery, because it's freakin' Eberron (which is like Indiana Jones meets fantasy with a bunch of other random bits in - this was perfect). And right off the bat, my players started being... hilarious. Literally the first words out of their characters mouths when they came to the first encounter: "Fellow humans!"

Well they had a halfling warlord who had a bit of a complex about... being small, I think, and she was just uppity. Always talkin' smack to the other members of the party and being generally aggressive and hilarious. The first person they defeated that had the mark, one of the guys was like "maybe we should make a drawing of it, so we have it for later." And what does the halfling do? She pulls out her knife and ... makes the original portable. I just shook my head and let her go for it.

When they run across another one of the guys, she pulls out her knife- only the player, instead of making a "shnk" noise that fits with drawing a blade, makes this... slurpy, wet sound. And everyone around the table looks at her aghast like "are you threatening the guy with his buddy's skin?"

.... and let's not even get started on "Tea Time"



Lord of Altera
Friend one: I charge at the orc warlord.
DM: okay roll.
me: wait, I shoot [friend] in the back of the leg.
Friend one: what.
me: I want the final blow, I shoot you in the back of the leg.
DM:*sigh* roll.
me: *rolls a 20*
Everyone: *sighs.*
DM: you shoot your priest in the back of the leg, he falls to the ground. roll 3D3.
me: *2 3's and a 2* Im so sorry.
Friend one: *on 1 health* screw you.
Me: *ends up dieing trying to kill the orc warlord.*
Friend: I'm going to kill you.
Me: I understand.


i'm the wench if you're the cake ;)
Retired Council Member
A game I was DMing- not playing in, and the party was ambushed by an angry half-orc Sorcerer villain intent on murdering one of the people they were escorting.

The fight lasted much longer past this moment, but it was hilarious when the paladin picked up one of his fiendish fire-beetle summons and practically hardballed it at the sorcerer -.. Smashing through a window in the process :p


Exitus acta probat
I once DM'd a game in which two of the party members managed to poison themselves in a tavern while trying to assassinate the town's corrupt mayor...
We wasn't even in the tavern. One of them crit failed picking up the extremely lethal poison and spilled it over himself. Three others escaped with their dex rolls, the female priest and only healer was also hit while already low on health...


Lord of Altera
today was my second session of dnd. ever.

most of our party couldn't make it so our DM decided that we would all play goblins and harass a local city.

our backstory was that we were outcasts from our main tribe and had all sort of gravitated around this old goblin guy who we treated nigh religiously. so, this guy sent us out to find four items, pretty simple really.
-Wind Feather
-Tiny Castle
-Sparky Tiara
-Cold stone

rough rundown of the night-
>i kill steal on a green dragon that has downed our barbarian with a damage roll of a 6. it was hilarious.
>my goblin fighter almost kills our cleric for calling my goblin a "fucktard"
>cleric downs my fighter with vampiric touch draining over 64 points of HP over two attacks
>our goblin barbarian takes on 11 city guards (alone) and dies after taking out 4 well equipped humans before succumbing to their weapons
>my fighter uses that fight as a distraction to begin hammering through the grate to the city sewers only to become andy dufresne from shawshank and crawl through tunnels of shit
>my fighter comes up in the city and immediately tries to find any woman with a tiara. he spots one and simply runs over, crawls under her skirt and thrusts his longsword upward. she dies and pandemonium ensues.
>my fighter can't get his sword back. he keeps trying. eventually our sorcerer (barbarian guy rerolled a char) cast fly on him and he flew upward. the woman fell to the ground with a splat.
>the monk and rogue go jewelerry shopping.. only to come out with a ton of magical items that they've no idea the effects of save for "tingling"
>i fly myself and the rogue into the castle. we find a table set out in the prince's room with a castle and a dragon. we play ultra meta and play dnd within dnd. however our characters are dumb and believe that you roll and whoever rolls lower gets hit by the other.
<Rest of the party leaves, only myself and the rogue remain>
>my goblin finds out his longsword has been awakened by the morbid murder of the woman earlier and it now allows him to literally fly. it is stupid.
>rogue and myself find a magic school. we craft robes out of bedrolls and enter somehow unnoticed. we go up to the front desk and demand a cold rock. the person on the counter falls prey to my goblin's roll of 19 in persuasion as he attempts to seduce them into letting us into the artifact area.
>we steal a lyceum's worth of magical items and wear as much as we literally can. we carry the rest.
>we realise our goblin leader would want our items so we go back and kill him.
>my fighter takes the rogue on 3 dates, each getting progressively worse to the point where the rogue "divorces" him and demands that he gets half of the hoard and half the cave.
>they live together in these conditions forever more.


Lord of Altera
This is the tale of the true Clyde. Clyde was name Clyde Berserker in general and is a higher up in a villainous cult but works to with the party for laughs. Clyde also is a cross dresser with a Charisma stat that can never fail who has the power of an atomic bomb sealed in him thanks to even more cult things.
Clyde is a serious Cleric who works hard. After getting a legally bound slave by tricking the guards to let a viking dunkard sign a contract with him, he and a party member (Lavender, a divine Orc) had gone to a fellow Orc to get some new on a quest. Lavender decided to use her staff of uncertainty and rolled a 19. When using the staff, each roll does a random thing only the DM knows about. Lavender almost tricks the other Orc into marrying her by using a spell of charm while he is flipping shit about the Divine Wings on her back. Clyde was the perfect wing man, almost making the marriage official. Sadly, it never happened as he already had 6 wives. Instead Lavender has the blessings needed for her to marry his son and he gives us 5X the reward money as a wedding present. Clyde and Lavender split the money and meet the pissed off rest of the party who didn't get any money cause a holy Orc and a crossdressing half elf cleric ruined the quest.

In another campaign, Clyde saved the party by fondling the main bad guy's butt and startling him. I won the session by butt grabbing a necromancer and spooking him.


Lord of Altera
The Feeding of 5,000......

To get the full effect of the story i'll need to do a bit of backstory so bear with it. Anyways in my friends homebrew campaign I play the goddess Inari, or at least that's what she calls herself. I mean who can blame her. In a world filled with many gods, and the two you worship bless you with divine power, what are you to think. To make matters worse she gained mythic abilities that allow her to cast any spell of her power lvl at her whim and also can add a +20 to all her charisma checks making her quite convincing when she preaches about her rise to divinity.

Now that the stage is set here is how the story went. While the party was on there way to a temple to gather a piece of an item to kill a god, they stumbled upon a group of arguing goblins. Deciding not to be a bunch of murder hobo's for once, the party chat the goblins up instead of doing the fight the DM planned for. After a bit of talking we find out that the goblins are searching for food because their village is starving. Being the altruistic god she thinks she is, she's like "hmmm.... I bet I could create food for you" *then proceeded to do so*. The decently sized hunting party ate their fill for the first time in ages. But why stop at the feeding of a hunting party when their was a whole village of starving goblins out there. So convincing her party, they set out to solve the goblins plight. However it turned out that this was much more than a simple village, this was small town of approximately 5000 goblins. Not one to give up she cracked her knuckles and went to work creating vast amounts of food for the village.

Turns out that if you can cast create food and water a bunch of times per day, along with proper rationing you can feed a lot of goblins. It doesn't stop there though. For over a week they celebrated and feasted under the benevolent goddess Inari. Meanwhile she instructed the goblins to create a golden statue of her and promised that if they continued to worship her, she would continue to use her power to feed them. In actuality the mage turned the statue into a magic item that created food under the condition that someone was worshiping her in its presence. All in all, the party managed to thwart the DM's plans and also gain an entire town of goblin followers for their goddess Inari.


Secretly Elz
Retired Staff
I played a kenku once. That didn't last long, because they can only speak in mimicry. Making sound effects and repeating what you've heard sounds like a neat novelty until that's the only way you can interact.

The thing that stands out to me the most is when a party member looked at me across the table with this shit eating grin, and yelled out in-character, "HOW BIG IS YOUR WEINER?" Just so I'd have to say it in character. They fought an orc army attacking a town sometime later, and after the last one fell someone was like, "THat would have been the best time to scream that out you know."

Missed opportunities man. Missed opportunities.