Scott Fellar <comment section>

[Bartooliinii]

Hey guys,
This thread is the baby-thread of this big momma here: http://hollowworld.co.uk/threads/book-scott-fellar-a-magical-story.30826/
I will also use this thread to give you all the updates on edits in the other thread.
Please, help me out~! Any feedback is welcome. Negative feedback as well, though keep it constructive, not destructive. I'm sure that I'll keep on writing as long as I feel support, not only from my friends in the real world, but also from you people. (Yes this book is a serious real-life project )

 

[Bartooliinii]

Uh, I think you need to look through the names of places before posting it over here...

already started a convo with som about that, she'll let me know once she's made her mind up about it

 

[Bartooliinii]

Still awaiting Som's judgement. Until that time: added paragraph 1.4 and we're reaching the end of chapter one. Probably 2 more paragraphs

 

[Bartooliinii]

While awaiting Som's judgement: added paragraph 1.5, though it's not finished yet. It will be a longer paragraph than all others and it will round up chapter one, to give a cliff-hanger to chapter two.

 

[Bartooliinii]

Finished chapter one with the end of paragraph 1.5

 

[Goldengem25]

Right, I've been loving this badboy so far, mate I think it's a great raw story, with firm characters, plot and such else You do well to build up the world it's taking place in, but there's a massive elephant in the room: the structure. I don't mean the way it's structured story wise, because it's cohesive in that regard, but I mean how it's structured in paragraphs, sentences and such. An example I'm talking about would be this:

"I- I do not know, but we will find out." Scott replied, unsure of the words he had just spoken. "You made it happen, you must know what you did." Derrick said terrified, looking at Scott. "You said those magic words!"

That in essence is perfectly fine, but to really get that umpf and emphasis, you've probably got to go over and break it up even more. That might look a bit more like this:

"I- I do not know, but we will find out." Scott replied, unsure of the words he had just spoken.
"You made it happen, you must know what you did." Derrick said terrified, looking at Scott.
"You said those magic words!"

Doing it like this also makes it easier to spot anything which you might otherwise tick you off. I know that when I write, reading over what I've said I might see spaces for improved punctuation, better wording or me making an error like repeating something too much. I can't spot things like that myself with this, but it's just a general idea to affirm my first piece of advice

(Also, the structure on these forums has have a lot more care put into it. Unlike a word processor, these threads seem to stretch out things to about twice the length of A4/A5, which people are way more used to reading. This makes what would normally be a short, snappy paragraph seem like an overextended line, and yadayada).

As said though, been loving the story so far and can't wait to read more

 

[Bartooliinii]

Great, this is stuff I can work with

 

[Bartooliinii]

Added the first paragraph of chapter two. It's a bit short, because the next thing that happens is quite a big thing and it needs its own paragraph.
I'm taking the lay out feedback of goldengem in account, but I plan to only start changing that once I have the draft of the entire book done. :/

 

[Goldengem25]

That's good to hear, a lot easier then