Gaby
Lord of Altera
well, I've been an adult for nearly a month now, and it's... quieter.
this isn't going to sound anything like a ban appeal, but in case you're wondering, this thread is an appeal for Teamspeak.
I requested a summer-long tempban in order to get my feelings in order. I felt that I had gotten myself in far too deep, but mainly, I quit so I could get my real life in order. the requested ban came at a time where my real life had gotten aggressively out of hand, in ways that I would rather not divulge. I had, and still have, a pathologically intense paranoia, but one that is... complex to describe.
it's not like I believe everyone is malicious, but that people in general are careless and willfully ignorant, clumsy with their words and actions, and they go to elaborate lengths to defend the behavior that harms others, because they don't see what they're doing, and because of that, they don't think its a big deal.
my problem, of course, is that being as I am, this sort of carelessness had placed me in awful situations. it messed with me, psychologically, and I'm still unsure how, or what even did it in the first place, all I really know is all the different names I've given to the result. I've called it low self-esteem, self-destructiveness, fear of failure, social anxiety, sensory overload, borderline personality disorder, a meltdown, etc. sometimes, it felt like it wasn't really me who was acting like this, like the stress of... whatever situations caused this, it would just snap, and I'd suddenly turn from a laid-back, accepting, confident, relaxed person to some sort of hyped up, crazy, animalistic wreck. I'd stop thinking, and everything was a threat, and... it didn't feel normal.
at first, being a kid, I would just cry about it. then later, I would try to appease whoever I "angered" by trying to punish myself. then at some point, it got into my head that they're the ones in the wrong, that I was, ultimately, being weak by letting other people command me like this, letting them feed this festering neurosis, letting them hurt me. I figured then, that I had to stand up for myself and protect myself.
so then I become belligerent, angry, and defensive, rather than how I was before, a self-destructive martyr. I'm not sure if things got better or worse.
in any case, I started demanding more control, started trying to teach those around me to be more considerate, teach them not to feed the neurosis. 'course, when I have no idea what's even feeding it... well, it's felt like hitting a lot of dead ends.
and maybe it'll simply pass, and I'll just grow up and become healthy. I'm not sure.
enough of that tangent.
one month into the tempban, one month of being a high school graduate, one month of playing games, reviving old projects, staying up incredibly late, and sleeping in the morning, being at home the entire day, finally eating larger portions, and taking frequent showers...
I get convinced to end my ban because of an event. here I am again, on the forums, having dropped everything I'd been doing before, having seen everyone move on, with me having fallen behind...
and I realized that I stopped caring.
maybe its because I'm growing up, but I suddenly have no desire to spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to do everything. I am almost ready to just ditch a character, maybe 3.
I figured maybe at the end of the ban, I'd go back and finally be able to work with people without any stress, but the only thing I've learned is that golly,
I hate working with people.
I don't mean that in some weird misanthropic way, just that I've suddenly realized I don't want to lead, and I don't want to just throw all my work onto everything, or be some sort of ridiculous workaholic.
and I don't want the spotlight. the most fun I have is just writing, and I'd much rather be in the background, and quietly be proud of my own accomplishments, rather than be a public figure.
so... I'm appealing again, not because I want to talk to people on Teamspeak, but because I almost feel like it's some sort of closure, and it'll help me put my past behind me or something.
it's a lot to think about, and it's all a gradual process. I'm not really sure about a lot of things anymore.
this isn't going to sound anything like a ban appeal, but in case you're wondering, this thread is an appeal for Teamspeak.
I requested a summer-long tempban in order to get my feelings in order. I felt that I had gotten myself in far too deep, but mainly, I quit so I could get my real life in order. the requested ban came at a time where my real life had gotten aggressively out of hand, in ways that I would rather not divulge. I had, and still have, a pathologically intense paranoia, but one that is... complex to describe.
it's not like I believe everyone is malicious, but that people in general are careless and willfully ignorant, clumsy with their words and actions, and they go to elaborate lengths to defend the behavior that harms others, because they don't see what they're doing, and because of that, they don't think its a big deal.
my problem, of course, is that being as I am, this sort of carelessness had placed me in awful situations. it messed with me, psychologically, and I'm still unsure how, or what even did it in the first place, all I really know is all the different names I've given to the result. I've called it low self-esteem, self-destructiveness, fear of failure, social anxiety, sensory overload, borderline personality disorder, a meltdown, etc. sometimes, it felt like it wasn't really me who was acting like this, like the stress of... whatever situations caused this, it would just snap, and I'd suddenly turn from a laid-back, accepting, confident, relaxed person to some sort of hyped up, crazy, animalistic wreck. I'd stop thinking, and everything was a threat, and... it didn't feel normal.
at first, being a kid, I would just cry about it. then later, I would try to appease whoever I "angered" by trying to punish myself. then at some point, it got into my head that they're the ones in the wrong, that I was, ultimately, being weak by letting other people command me like this, letting them feed this festering neurosis, letting them hurt me. I figured then, that I had to stand up for myself and protect myself.
so then I become belligerent, angry, and defensive, rather than how I was before, a self-destructive martyr. I'm not sure if things got better or worse.
in any case, I started demanding more control, started trying to teach those around me to be more considerate, teach them not to feed the neurosis. 'course, when I have no idea what's even feeding it... well, it's felt like hitting a lot of dead ends.
and maybe it'll simply pass, and I'll just grow up and become healthy. I'm not sure.
enough of that tangent.
one month into the tempban, one month of being a high school graduate, one month of playing games, reviving old projects, staying up incredibly late, and sleeping in the morning, being at home the entire day, finally eating larger portions, and taking frequent showers...
I get convinced to end my ban because of an event. here I am again, on the forums, having dropped everything I'd been doing before, having seen everyone move on, with me having fallen behind...
and I realized that I stopped caring.
maybe its because I'm growing up, but I suddenly have no desire to spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to do everything. I am almost ready to just ditch a character, maybe 3.
I figured maybe at the end of the ban, I'd go back and finally be able to work with people without any stress, but the only thing I've learned is that golly,
I hate working with people.
I don't mean that in some weird misanthropic way, just that I've suddenly realized I don't want to lead, and I don't want to just throw all my work onto everything, or be some sort of ridiculous workaholic.
and I don't want the spotlight. the most fun I have is just writing, and I'd much rather be in the background, and quietly be proud of my own accomplishments, rather than be a public figure.
so... I'm appealing again, not because I want to talk to people on Teamspeak, but because I almost feel like it's some sort of closure, and it'll help me put my past behind me or something.
it's a lot to think about, and it's all a gradual process. I'm not really sure about a lot of things anymore.
