Michcat
i'm the wench if you're the cake ;)
On Surprise Demotions and the Spirit of the Community.
I should preface this by saying; I am no writer. I can coax no magic from words and I can explain only as well as I understand. Similar in preface, This has been drafted a good deal of time ago - It is only posted now so it might not conflict with the important notices coming up within this announcements section.
For me, this began with a surprise. Something I had been mostly - perhaps entirely - unaware of in the past.. months (I have been told it has been months), has come to light. What that is, is yet to be determined.
I cannot say for certainty of my awareness, because without specifics I can only look back and nitpick everything I have done or said and think; think on how it connects to these issues in some wayward fashion.
For me, this began when I recently logged in to the HollowWorld server. I do not recall exactly the date, and while I can likely easily come upon it, I do not wish to remember when this began.
It was a happy day- a hopeful day. I was at the home of my good friend who also plays on this server, it had been a nice morning and we had a grand plan to have our characters frolic while being able to chat in the same room (a rare occasion). I logged on ready to get up to merry shenanigans.
When I logged on, when this began, it was with the first greeting I spoke into OOC chat that I noticed the fancy 'admin' title was gone. It was a bit troubling and I tried not to pay it too much mind. I asked in a group IM chat with the Management if they knew what was going on; I asked if it was an accident. I hoped it was an accident.
There was no answer. This is quite understandable, we are oft in different timezones.
I checked the forums to see of any updates I had missed, as in the week or so before that day I had been blissfully spending time with my close friend, enjoying the rare occasion (once more) that we were to be in each others presence.
On the forums, it was painfully obvious that something was different, and it looked I had been 'demoted' in both places. It was seeming less likely this could be an accident
and I first felt confused
and then I was scared.
It was an experience of loss; loss of countless projects, loss of a hobby I sink so much effort into, loss of trust I felt I had earned and loss of kinship I had cherished.
I double and triple-checked. All 'permissions' was gone, access to so much work was gone and it felt like any future with HollowWorld, any future with something I have spent countless hours building (In more then one sense) and gently attempting at perfecting - suddenly gone.
It is a bit later I was told "there you go about your perms again, you make it seem more about the power and less about the position"
and it hurt because I thought back to earlier, to when I updated the Management IM Chat after the fifth double-check and I knew thats what it looked like and I knew that is not what I meant; and I knew I had no better way to try and use these words I know I cannot write. I didn't know what else to ask besides
"Am I demoted? can I please know why? Is someone there? Please, whats going on? Am I demoted?"
I wasn't a writer. I'm not a writer.
I was confused. And I was scared. And then I was angry.
I was angry, because I thought my person- or at least what I did here- was worth more then sudden disconnection without communication.
When the other Management and I began to converse, there were very little of my inquiries answered. I was too blunt and too desperate, too scared and too confused. I didn't handle myself like I should have. A part of me feels I just treated these people like my friends when, in that instance, I should have been far more professional. It is likely one of my many shortcomings.
I have been told I offended, wronged, and irrationally treated many members of this community. I have been cruel and this negative attitude is no longer worth the damage it does to the Server, to HollowWorld. I have been a presence so terrifying it dissuades any from speaking out or speaking to me in any form that is not kind and polite, in fear of actions I in actuality cannot do. And that is why I was demoted.
I was told there wasn't any specific incidents, or logs, or investigation. I was crying; I felt degraded being treated as I was in that conversation. I was furious; I can't fix a problem I wasn't aware of- But that lack of awareness is another one of my many shortcomings. A shortcoming that lead me to the deserved outcome, it seems. I do not contend that.
The conversation topic went on; for days. Sometimes with breaks, sometimes so many long hours at a time.
It was eventually told the process was to be retroactively redone, or undone. I was first asked to finish my projects for HollowWorld and take my leave as soon as possible. And then I was asked to return to Management, but refrain from interacting with the community, and playerbase. And then I was simply told most things were as they were.
It was asked early on to write a thread on the matter, addressing it. This was early on; where I was still 'demoted'. I waited and asked for clarification after Day 2 to put in the thread, for I did not know exactly what was.. happening. As words were shared it was my want to wait until the business seemed finished, so I might include the entirety within the post.
This is that Thread. And this is.. pretty much all I know, and as of this posting it still is all I know on 'what happened'.
I may not quite understand whats going on, but I wish to apologize regardless. Apologize for- if possible- everything. It is also one of my wants to make amends, again if possible.
...
It has been hard to write this and it hurts to write this. It doesn't help that I have never been good at any sort of writing. It hurts feeling that every kind greeting and presumed smile from the OOC chat is possibly someone who loathes and hates my person and what I have done, that I have unjustifiably created an environment in which speaking out- and action I endeavor to encourage- is silenced. It hurts to be told I have done that and hurts that I am so blind I cannot see it. It hurts to be downspoken to and treated inhumanely by my peers, and hurts to believe I deserve that treatment. It hurts to be confused and it hurts to be scared. From this is my hope to ensure it never happens again- not for my hurt, but for the hurt of others- hurt I have apparently inflicted, an action I despise having (even 'having apparently') done.
But I should take this away from myself and more on the problem and issues that have lead to this. It is as if I am stuck. If I could focus more on 'the problem' I would, but thus far there isn't any solid structure I can address or work off of, to my knowledge. I endeavor to do the best I can with what I have, yet I feel as if I cannot properly communicate these problems and issues, as if I don't have the information to compile and shape into a neatly worded paragraph. I'm trying to express all my knowledge as plainly and cleanly as I possibly can... And that starts with how I most privately experienced what happened. And that is why I spoke so far mostly of my own experience, not only to potentially shed the most light, but in hopes that my own integrity can be plainly and clearly seen.
...What happens now?
I intend to hold myself professionally in this community, in hopes to cut back on personal reactions. It is not my intent to lose on kindness, but gain in thoughtfulness.
I will do my best to move on from any hurt I have felt from this matter, as I cannot affect any other as truly as myself.
I hope to make amends as best I may.
I am being held to no longer make such mistakes in ignorance,
and I shall try to make things better. Make it right.
To the Community as a whole; I can only say I never held ill intent. I have love for this community, and I only wish to see it prosper. The crimes I must have done nonewithstanding, I can only hope it is known there has only really ever been good will.
To those I Wronged and Offended; I'm truely, honourably sorry- if I can still claim to honour in your eyes. I wish to make amends.
To the Fellow Staff Team; It really is my hope to be called out on actions unseemly or baseless. And it is my wish these words are kept in mind.
To my peers within the Management; I thank you for the opportunity to try to fix this mess. The faith that I might be able to means worlds to me.
This is my admittance of guilt, of responsibility- For I am truely guilty in my lack of sight, in not seeing those I have presumably so greatly offended and so baselessly wronged; for in these actions there was no malice and thus they were born of stupidity - and I am ultimately responsible for my own idiocy and naivety.
This is my asking for forgiveness- not for past actions, but for my current ignorance, and my current confusion on what I did and who I did not do right by- for I still do not understand whom was affected or what was done; although I must stress I do not discredit those who said I did something so horrible- it is my own aforementioned ignorance at fault. I can only hope for forgiveness and amends.
And this is my apology.
For despite not knowing and despite how it is apparently impossible to inform me;
I still hurt for whatever slight and cruelty I imparted. I hurt for those I wronged.
I'm sorry
So sorry.
Mich
I should preface this by saying; I am no writer. I can coax no magic from words and I can explain only as well as I understand. Similar in preface, This has been drafted a good deal of time ago - It is only posted now so it might not conflict with the important notices coming up within this announcements section.
For me, this began with a surprise. Something I had been mostly - perhaps entirely - unaware of in the past.. months (I have been told it has been months), has come to light. What that is, is yet to be determined.
I cannot say for certainty of my awareness, because without specifics I can only look back and nitpick everything I have done or said and think; think on how it connects to these issues in some wayward fashion.
For me, this began when I recently logged in to the HollowWorld server. I do not recall exactly the date, and while I can likely easily come upon it, I do not wish to remember when this began.
It was a happy day- a hopeful day. I was at the home of my good friend who also plays on this server, it had been a nice morning and we had a grand plan to have our characters frolic while being able to chat in the same room (a rare occasion). I logged on ready to get up to merry shenanigans.
When I logged on, when this began, it was with the first greeting I spoke into OOC chat that I noticed the fancy 'admin' title was gone. It was a bit troubling and I tried not to pay it too much mind. I asked in a group IM chat with the Management if they knew what was going on; I asked if it was an accident. I hoped it was an accident.
There was no answer. This is quite understandable, we are oft in different timezones.
I checked the forums to see of any updates I had missed, as in the week or so before that day I had been blissfully spending time with my close friend, enjoying the rare occasion (once more) that we were to be in each others presence.
On the forums, it was painfully obvious that something was different, and it looked I had been 'demoted' in both places. It was seeming less likely this could be an accident
and I first felt confused
and then I was scared.
It was an experience of loss; loss of countless projects, loss of a hobby I sink so much effort into, loss of trust I felt I had earned and loss of kinship I had cherished.
I double and triple-checked. All 'permissions' was gone, access to so much work was gone and it felt like any future with HollowWorld, any future with something I have spent countless hours building (In more then one sense) and gently attempting at perfecting - suddenly gone.
It is a bit later I was told "there you go about your perms again, you make it seem more about the power and less about the position"
and it hurt because I thought back to earlier, to when I updated the Management IM Chat after the fifth double-check and I knew thats what it looked like and I knew that is not what I meant; and I knew I had no better way to try and use these words I know I cannot write. I didn't know what else to ask besides
"Am I demoted? can I please know why? Is someone there? Please, whats going on? Am I demoted?"
I wasn't a writer. I'm not a writer.
I was confused. And I was scared. And then I was angry.
I was angry, because I thought my person- or at least what I did here- was worth more then sudden disconnection without communication.
When the other Management and I began to converse, there were very little of my inquiries answered. I was too blunt and too desperate, too scared and too confused. I didn't handle myself like I should have. A part of me feels I just treated these people like my friends when, in that instance, I should have been far more professional. It is likely one of my many shortcomings.
I have been told I offended, wronged, and irrationally treated many members of this community. I have been cruel and this negative attitude is no longer worth the damage it does to the Server, to HollowWorld. I have been a presence so terrifying it dissuades any from speaking out or speaking to me in any form that is not kind and polite, in fear of actions I in actuality cannot do. And that is why I was demoted.
I was told there wasn't any specific incidents, or logs, or investigation. I was crying; I felt degraded being treated as I was in that conversation. I was furious; I can't fix a problem I wasn't aware of- But that lack of awareness is another one of my many shortcomings. A shortcoming that lead me to the deserved outcome, it seems. I do not contend that.
The conversation topic went on; for days. Sometimes with breaks, sometimes so many long hours at a time.
It was eventually told the process was to be retroactively redone, or undone. I was first asked to finish my projects for HollowWorld and take my leave as soon as possible. And then I was asked to return to Management, but refrain from interacting with the community, and playerbase. And then I was simply told most things were as they were.
It was asked early on to write a thread on the matter, addressing it. This was early on; where I was still 'demoted'. I waited and asked for clarification after Day 2 to put in the thread, for I did not know exactly what was.. happening. As words were shared it was my want to wait until the business seemed finished, so I might include the entirety within the post.
This is that Thread. And this is.. pretty much all I know, and as of this posting it still is all I know on 'what happened'.
I may not quite understand whats going on, but I wish to apologize regardless. Apologize for- if possible- everything. It is also one of my wants to make amends, again if possible.
...
It has been hard to write this and it hurts to write this. It doesn't help that I have never been good at any sort of writing. It hurts feeling that every kind greeting and presumed smile from the OOC chat is possibly someone who loathes and hates my person and what I have done, that I have unjustifiably created an environment in which speaking out- and action I endeavor to encourage- is silenced. It hurts to be told I have done that and hurts that I am so blind I cannot see it. It hurts to be downspoken to and treated inhumanely by my peers, and hurts to believe I deserve that treatment. It hurts to be confused and it hurts to be scared. From this is my hope to ensure it never happens again- not for my hurt, but for the hurt of others- hurt I have apparently inflicted, an action I despise having (even 'having apparently') done.
But I should take this away from myself and more on the problem and issues that have lead to this. It is as if I am stuck. If I could focus more on 'the problem' I would, but thus far there isn't any solid structure I can address or work off of, to my knowledge. I endeavor to do the best I can with what I have, yet I feel as if I cannot properly communicate these problems and issues, as if I don't have the information to compile and shape into a neatly worded paragraph. I'm trying to express all my knowledge as plainly and cleanly as I possibly can... And that starts with how I most privately experienced what happened. And that is why I spoke so far mostly of my own experience, not only to potentially shed the most light, but in hopes that my own integrity can be plainly and clearly seen.
...What happens now?
I intend to hold myself professionally in this community, in hopes to cut back on personal reactions. It is not my intent to lose on kindness, but gain in thoughtfulness.
I will do my best to move on from any hurt I have felt from this matter, as I cannot affect any other as truly as myself.
I hope to make amends as best I may.
I am being held to no longer make such mistakes in ignorance,
and I shall try to make things better. Make it right.
To the Community as a whole; I can only say I never held ill intent. I have love for this community, and I only wish to see it prosper. The crimes I must have done nonewithstanding, I can only hope it is known there has only really ever been good will.
To those I Wronged and Offended; I'm truely, honourably sorry- if I can still claim to honour in your eyes. I wish to make amends.
To the Fellow Staff Team; It really is my hope to be called out on actions unseemly or baseless. And it is my wish these words are kept in mind.
To my peers within the Management; I thank you for the opportunity to try to fix this mess. The faith that I might be able to means worlds to me.
This is my admittance of guilt, of responsibility- For I am truely guilty in my lack of sight, in not seeing those I have presumably so greatly offended and so baselessly wronged; for in these actions there was no malice and thus they were born of stupidity - and I am ultimately responsible for my own idiocy and naivety.
This is my asking for forgiveness- not for past actions, but for my current ignorance, and my current confusion on what I did and who I did not do right by- for I still do not understand whom was affected or what was done; although I must stress I do not discredit those who said I did something so horrible- it is my own aforementioned ignorance at fault. I can only hope for forgiveness and amends.
And this is my apology.
For despite not knowing and despite how it is apparently impossible to inform me;
I still hurt for whatever slight and cruelty I imparted. I hurt for those I wronged.
I'm sorry
So sorry.
Mich
