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Short Story

Valisa

Lord of Altera
Hi, everyone, I just wanted to post this here to see if I could get some advice. This is for my English class, and I have to write a short story, I haven't finished yet. The prompt is Love is as painful as it is joyful.

Two years earlier . . .

Alison:
Mikayla burst into my room, jumping up and down. “Mother! I have something to show you!”
“Honey I have work soon, you know that.”
“You’re always so busy. Please. Just this one time,” She whined. Glancing down at my watch, I nodded.
“Alright then, but make it quick.” Mikayla squealed and took a hold of my sleeve dragging me along.

We ran across our backyard, then down the hill, and into the jungle.

We came to a small clearing where wild flowers grew. She skipped to the other side, stopping in front of a large tree. “Mum look, I want to you meet Ragnad!” she called. I made my way over and stood beside her, with a confused look on my face. I watched as she stroked the tree’s smooth bark.


Mikayla:

I felt the life within him stir, and I backed away, pushing mother back too, as he rose from the ground. I grinned happily and turned towards mother expectantly. She stared at me blankly. “Can’t you seem him? He’s standing right in front of us?”

Alison:
I looked at Mikayla “What are you talking about Sweety? It’s just a tree.” She looked at me in disbelief. “No, it’s not! It’s Ragnad, and he’s standing right in front of you,” she cried. I knelt down beside her, grabbing her hands. Her large, blue eyes stared at me, willing me to understand. I glanced at the tree, the only sign of movement I saw were the leaves gently swaying in the breeze. “I’m sorry, but I really do only see a tree.” She tore her hands from mine angrily. “Go! I don’t want you here anymore!” I caught a glimpse of hot tears spilling down her face before she turned her back to me. Standing up, I straightened my skirt. “Don’t be silly,” I replied sternly.
“I’m not!”
“Look, I don’t have time for this.”
“Of course you don’t,” she replied sourly, “You never have time for me.”
“That is not true.” She shrugged, only making me angrier. “I have to go to work, see you later tonight.”

Mikayla:
Refusing to look at her, I kept my eyes on Ragnad, his eyes matching my sadness. I watched his eyes flicker behind me then back to me, followed by a quick nod. I swung around. My gaze lingered on the plants boarding the trail as they rocked back into place. Quickly, I turned, and hurled myself into Ragnad’s arms, while a new wave of tears poured down my face.

Present day . . .
Mikayla:
The pale blue sky began to lift as it made way for the golden rays that seemed to rise from within the valley’s curving mountains. The display of gold infused with a light orange, continued to grow and soon the sun peeked over the mountain’s summit. My eyes scanned the mountain and paused at the base where the jungle loomed. Keeping my gaze focused on the canopy I waited for the sun to slowly ascend. My breath caught, as the sun’s rays hit the very first leaves and then spread like liquid gold, coating the jungle. Still sitting crosses-legged, I swung my hands back and rested my weight on them. “And so another day begins.”
Allowing myself to enjoy the moment for a few more minutes, I stood up and grabbed my backpack. I giggled and ran off towards to the edge of the hill that led to the border of the jungle. Feet pounding against the wild grass, and mouth set in a wide smile, I twirled happily. To my right two songbirds danced together in an impressive air display. I continued on my way and soon reached the bend in the hill. Arriving there, I threw my backpack down and watched it tumble before it came to a halt. I followed quickly dropping on the ground rolling down.
I slowly got to my feet, and felt my hands go out to balance myself. The world had turned on its side, and after a few stumbling steps I fell back to the ground in a fit of giggles. I heard a series of chirps, and watched as the two songbirds, hovered near, laughing at me. While grinning at them I tried again. My head titled to the side as I tried to right the world. My mind continued to spin, so I sat back down and instead reached for my backpack which had landed a few metres away. I crawled towards my pack, drawing it closer to me once I had a grip on it. Pulling out my water bottle, I had a few sips and breathed deeply. Now feeling more confident I stood up and took a few tentative steps. Satisfied, I headed towards the towering trees which had their twisted limbs stretched out wide. It looked as if they were welcoming me to a warm embrace.
My flaming red hair, set alight from the sun rays, grew dull as I entered the shadows. My eyes fell instantly on two large ferns tangled together. The ferns untangled their fronds as I neared, making an entrance. I slipped through, thanking them as they sealed together once again. A small trail, worn into the ground from continuous use, now lay before me. The surrounding plants quivered with excitement and the trees murmured in anticipation as I jogged along the trail, unable to contain my excitement. The air was clear and fresh, and I sighed in delight. The next turn in the trail, led me to a small clearing. The lush grass swayed rhythmically to the gentle breeze. Brightly coloured wild flowers grew dotted around the clearing, basking in the sun. My inside buzzed with happiness.
I promptly made my way over to a tree on the other side of the crossing. The trunk spanned a few metres across and its branches were adorned with large, purple-green leaves that sparkled in different angles of light. The tree shook in response as I gently placed my hand on its smooth bark. Suddenly the ground rumbled beneath my feet, and I quickly took a few steps back. Thick, strong limbs exploded from the ground. The tree shook itself free from the earth stretching its great limbs, and shimmering its leaves. Two large oval eyes soon blinked into life, accompanied by a warm smile. “Welcome, young one.”
Grinning widely at the tree ent, I responded “Hello Ragnad”. Ragnad extended his arms and gently picked up my petite body lifting me high into the air and placed me on his left shoulder. Once I was settled, Ragnad turned, facing the jungle and began walking. “What are we doing today” I asked.
“I have something I wish to show you.” He responded in his deep voice.
“What?”
“I heard that fairies are now living in the forest.”
“Fairies! That’s amazing!” Ragnad smiled at my reaction.
“Yes, young one, it is.”

We had journeyed deeper within the jungle, further than normal. Ragnad explained that we would be arriving shortly, and gently set me down. I skipped along to match his giant stride. He halted as he reached an intricate golden archway. Laced through the archway were beautiful wild roses. Two lanterns hung on poles, either side. Looking to him and back to the archway I announced “I guess, I’m on my own.” He nodded glumly in response. The entrance was no more than a metre high. Beyond the archway I could hear the faint sound of laughter and music. I passed beneath the archway with my head low the rose’s filling my nose with a beautiful fragrance. Clear of the small archway, I lifted my head.

My eyes were hit with a wave of vibrant colours. Huge, pink and red flowers boarded the edges of the clearing. Small huts, around two feet high, were scattered around, connected by small stones paths. Little blue flowers grew alongside the huts. My eyes darted around the space, trying to absorb what I was seeing. The cheerful noises had stopped, and I was suddenly aware of hundreds of pairs of eyes staring at me. Their large round eyes looked at me questioningly. Nervously I said “M-my name is Mikayla.” Hundreds of voices began speaking at once. I strained to hear what they were saying. All heads quickly turned to a female fairy. The fairies voices fell silent as she walked delicately along a stone pathway. She wore a beautiful, flowing white dress, elaborately decorated with emerald blue flowers and lace. She took to the sky effortlessly. Her striking golden wings sparkled and fluttered quickly as she climbed to my level. “And my name is Erien” Her voice sounded heavenly. “Forgive us, for we are not accustomed to human visitors.”
“Oh, sorry if I startled you, my best friend, Ragnad, told me that you lived here now, I was very excited to see if it was true.” She smiled kindly.
“Ragnad, is a dear friend to us, he helped us settle in.” My face brightened and I ventured “Oh yes! He is a very nice ent, he is my best friend!” Erien turned and motioned to the other fairies, “Well then, we shall feast to new friendships and existing ones.”

The fairies went straight to work, setting tables and preparing platters of the most beautifully decorated foods. There were cupcakes sprinkled with glittering powder, and sponge cake full of fresh cream. Dozens of chocolates were stacked as centre pieces and surrounding them were more biscuits. Placed among the desserts were small edible flowers. The tables were only a foot or so high, so I was without a chair. I laughed as I noticed a table with a large plate all on its own. Having to carefully avoid the fairies during the buzz of activity, I made my way to the table, taking a seat on the grass.
Soon the rest of the fairies settled down, taking their sets. Erien was seated on the table beside mine, which was at the head of the other rows of tables. She rose from her seat, smiled brilliantly and spoke the words I’d been dying to hear the moment I set eyes on the desserts, “Let’s begin.”

Eagerly, I began piling all sorts of treats onto my plate. The largest dessert was no bigger than a 50 cent coin. Everyone was chatting happily, and Erien asked me all about where I lived. After gobbling down another dessert, I was about reply to one of her questions, when I found Erien no longer looking at me. I glanced around the tables. The chatter of the fairies had ceased. Their heads were all turned towards the jungle, as if they were listening to something. I titled my head to one side and leaned forward. I was no longer greeted by calming bird calls, but instead an eerie silence. The trees no longer rocked gently in the jungle breeze for the wind was now dead still. Straining my ears further, I heard a constant grinding sound. I glanced around nervously. “What was that?” Erien swung her head towards mine and spoke quietly. “Tyran Dradain” I looked at her puzzled. She translated to English, “Metal monsters.”

My eyes widened in shock, “Metal Monsters?” All happiness had drained from her face and she nodded grimly. She continued on, “We were lucky to escape the Metals Monsters once before. They destroyed our previous home demolishing everything in their path. You must leave, for they will do the same here. Return to the safety of your home.”
“This is my home.”
“Your home is with your mother.”
“My mother?” I rolled my eyes, “She lost my love years ago. She probably doesn’t care/know that I’m out here.” Erien looked at me sadly, then shook her head, “I have warned you, but it is your choice.” Crossing my arms, I nodded, “Yes I know that, and I choose to stay.”

I ducked under the archway to find a dormant Ragnad. Stroking his bark, willed him back to life. Sensing something was amiss, he craned his head around and listened. Fearful eyes turned back to mine. “You must go.”
“Erien told me the same thing, but I am not leaving you. You are my best friend Ragnad.” His pained expression made my heart ache.
“The fate of the jungle is sealed. We cannot outrun these beasts.” He said, sounding defeated.
“Then we fight!”

Ragnad

Mikayla straightened up, she no longer looked fearful, but determined. I gazed into her eyes which burned brightly with courage. She believed in herself as much as she believed in me. I placed my hand gently on her shoulder. “Then we fight,” I repeated. Mikayla didn’t twirl in delight at my response, instead she nodded soberly. She looked so grown up, so wise, it scared me.

I hauled Mikayla up onto my shoulder. “We must call upon the other ents.”
“I have never met the other ents.”
“They usually remain hidden for they are very weary of humans. Today, they must no longer hide, for if they do, their deaths are certain. Our chances of survival are very slim, but we must at least try.”

Mikayla:

I nodded, and gripped his shoulder tightly as he had instructed. Ragnad caught me by surprise when he lifted his leg up high then brought it down with immense power. The ground beneath us shook. The vibration from the impact speed out across the jungle. I looked at Ragnad questioningly. He said nothing and instead gestured around himself. Looking from him to the jungle, I nodded in understanding as the tops of trees began to move. The distant boom of footsteps grew nearer and soon we were joined by the awakened ents. Their faces looked sad, but in their eyes I saw determination.

The grinding noise was growing louder. I looked to Ragnad. His eyes scanned the circle, then rest of me. My love for him and this place were so strong. Tears were on the verge of spilling down my face for I knew he felt the same way. I took a deep breath, delaying the tears. “Ready?” I asked.
“Ready.”

Ragnad surged forward through the trees, the other ents following close behind. I clung to him even more tightly, my body tense with anticipation. When I glanced down I noticed fast-paced moving bodies. Their pent up anger and despair bursting free, fuelling their actions. The other creatures of the jungle had joined our stand. Our stampede burst in to battle to meet the Metal Monsters.

The deafening sound of steel crashing through wood, was ear splitting. The quicker and more agile creatures had been the first ones to face battle. Their bodies clashed with yellow and silver, and were torn in half by large gaping teeth. Amongst the fray my eyes locked on with terrifying, glowing read orbs. The eyes of the enemy made my blood run cold.

Suddenly my balance was thrown off as Ragnad’s shoulder buckled forward. I lost my grip, falling, and throwing my hands out madly to catch myself. Safety slipped through my fingers and I tumbled into the fray. I heard frantic shouts. The last thing I remember before I blacked out, was Ragnad’s face crashing down next to mine.

Ragnad:
My voice came as a raspy whisper, “I am sorry.”

Mikayla:
I woke with a throbbing head. The memories of the previous day raced through my mind. The Mental Monsters had spared me, for I was not in their programming to destroy. I slid out of bed, threw on some clothes and stumbled outside. My body groaned in protest as I slowly made my way to the edge of the hill. The sun hadn’t quite risen yet, but I could still make out the destruction through the dim light. I took a seat on top of the hill with my hands clutching my sides, I began to rock.

As the sun peeked over the mountain, the sun’s rays illuminated the horrifying wasteland. The jungle has been decimated. I began sobbing uncontrollably. I stood up shakily and moved towards the bend in the hill, making my way down to the rubble. My eyes scanned the remains, a lighter bark stood out from the rest. My panicked sobs had ceased, leaving me feeling numb inside. With my eyes lowered to the ground, I picked my way over to him. Scattered around him were fallen, pale bodies. Their tiny faces were screwed up in anger. Their wings were crumpled like paper, and their bodies bloodied and bruised. My eyes lingered on the fairies for a few moments before resting on Ragnad. I looked over his half chewed up body. My eyes welled with tears again. His beautiful leaves had lost their shimmer. I blew some sawdust from his face. His eyes were still open. The tears spilled from my eyes, pooling in my lap as I crouched beside him. “I am sorry too.”

 

SobekRa

Lord of Altera
Praise is great, but it seems this is not what Valisa came here for.

First, you start too many sentences with "I". Unless you want to focus the readers attention on yourself, this is a bad choice. Rephrase at least half of the senteces which start with "I", two third would be better.
For example:

I allowed myself to enjoy the moment for a few more minutes, before standing up and grabbing my backpack.

Allowing myself to enjoy the moment for a few more minutes, I stood up and grabbed my backpack.

Second, this is a short story. The written amount equals a whole page in a standard document, yet nothing happens except the protagonist running around the jungle. Keep it short, all that descriptions do not fit into a short story which wants the readers attention. Having several sentences about her taking out the bottle, drinking and putting it back is unnecessary. Focus more on action, most short storys are already concluded after one page.

And at last, short storys are usally told from the third-person perspective. It is not obligatory, but more common then the first person perspective with the purpose of creating some distance to the plot.
 

Valisa

Lord of Altera
Thanks for being honest, I'll have ago at fixing it and then repost it. I always seem to write things that are pointless, like all the descriptive stuff. Oh, I don't know how I'll go about shortening it, I've still go so many ideas I want to write :/
 

Valisa

Lord of Altera
Nightshade can you possible fix up one paragraph as an example? Like cut out all the unnecessary things?
 

Yoda

Lord of Altera
Ooh, Valisa, this is lovely, please consider writing some Alteran fan fiction, and it being long doesn't bother me at all.
I do agree with what Nightshade's saying, however to me a short story is something like five or six pages long :p
 

Yoda

Lord of Altera
No, me loves a good, well written description. As a pointer for the future, variation is a much loved thing in my view.
 

MRPolo13

The Arbiter of the Gods
You get to write stories in class?

We get to read Macbeth and Inspector Calls... How exciting!
Awesome story though :D
 

Valisa

Lord of Altera
Aww, we have to read Romero and Juliet soon. This is just a warm up on the subject of 'love'. And thank you! :)
 

MRPolo13

The Arbiter of the Gods
Read Romeo and Juliet 2 years ago (?). I think that if I wasn't to read Shakespeare at school but instead at home, I'd really love his pieces because they are of very good quality (and I'm one of the few that understood most of what is said in both plays). School, however, doesn't make it fun. Same applies for Inspector Calls, it's actually a decent play :p
 

Yoda

Lord of Altera
Valisa, I'm doing that for my GCSEs, and I'm pretty sure you've mentioned A-levels before so... :p
 

SobekRa

Lord of Altera
Don´t get me wrong, your descriptions are great and I would never be able to come up with so many details, but they are completely misplaced in this genre. Short Storys focus on action instead of descriptions.

I will rephrase the second one then:

Allowing myself to enjoy the moment for a few more minutes, I stood up and grabbed my backpack. Giggling, I ran off towards to the edge of the hill that lead to the border of the jungle. The unmaintained grass pounded against my feet, and I twirled happily while I was smiling. To my right two songbirtds danced together in an impressive air display. I continued on my way and soon reached the bend of the hill. Arriving there, I threw my backpack down and watched it tumble before it came to a halt. I followed quickly dropping on the ground and rolling down.
 
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