Scardrac
Felsummer
Okay, so back around the beginning of the second semester of high-school, I went through this weird phase of varying nihilism and psychedelic mental predictions of an existential meaning of life, but I promise I was healthy and okay, it was just a weird phase. In that time, I decided to write something in the format of a journal entry, which had no sense of direction and ended prematurely due to the lack of motivation to end something. However, it also might be because I am no longer experiencing that "phase" as strongly as I did then, so I feel as if it should have ended when I was passionate about it. Perchance, if I were to experience some sort of emotional phase like that again, I may finish it. Anyways, here we go: (Also, I am sorry if this gives off some sort of pretentious teenage angst machine vibe, I am sorry, I just want to archive my literary progress down so I have something to think on in the future. Thanks for paying attention to my horrible literature!)
It is of an epic mental schism that I derive from. Born of self awareness, conscious conflict, and primarily from the desire to ascend. For years at a time I developed, hopping from view to view, rising and falling. My emotions are mundane and my mundane mind realizes this. However, in spite of my earthly binds, I still try and gaze above and below my crunching mind, even though I try and be above the feelings it gives me. I feel as if my cognitive eye sees across light years, learning and observing and controlling my mind as I see this existence for what it is for me.
This life I have commenced is no more or less important than another. It is within the human limitations to know that we are not the limit of success, of knowledge, or of possibility. It is a staggering thought to understand the fact that we don’t understand it all. We are at the epicenter of existence. We know naught about the limits of possibility, nor how it all began. However, I strive to slake the thirst for knowledge and understanding. My mind is corrupted by the jealousy of those things that have or have not lived before, or after me.
As for myself, I do not care. I am both below and above myself. A marionette with static limbs. I am bound to my feelings, yet I can gaze over them without a bias as an anchor. I observe myself as I change, as I love, as I hate, and as I learn. I am my own student and my own teacher. At times it feels like prison, this cognitive limit.
Nevertheless, I know that if I were to break past this knowledge barrier and learn all that is to learn of existence, I would not have that ecstatic feeling that there is, in fact, much more to learn. It is a tradeoff. I feel at home with myself, however I know that my home is but a dynamic thread in a quilt-like system that makes it all up. What might be at fault for creating this? What might be observing us as everything tries to understand itself? It is a paradoxical strife. One that I know I shan’t ever find an end to. Even if I want to. Or I don’t.
I know that the pursuit of knowledge is another example of a paradox. I wish to know more about what I am. Although, what I am is everything. Everything is me, and everyone is part of it. The knowledge of all is within us all, but buried deep. We shall not ever know, but if we shall, we should be opening up Pandora’s Box. For as far as the boundaries of existence go, we are still part of it all. There is no center, and there is no orbit. A single worm in the dirts of Mundus are just as complex as gas giants and life forms star systems and star systems abroad. For all that existence offers is one part. We are a dynamic puddle, and all that happens in one side of it all, happens in another. A union reality. We are everything, and everything is us.
These thoughts are my own. The ones that keep me up, and the ones that get me lost in wondrous limbo. I wonder if people see the same, and I wonder if I am the only one. This is the illusion of importance that haunts me. I am no better than another of my people, but I feel prioritized by existence to bear its knowledge. I desire a complete separation from the mundane. I wish to ascend, to hold knowledge as if a god, but to be unseen and to be unknown. I covet the status of omniscience, but I loathe myself for being unable to be just that.
For now, I am stuck with these natural restrictions of frayed emotions and overwhelming instincts. It feels like iron chains embedded and entwined through and around my body, restricting everything to a certain field of movement. I cannot control my mind, but I can observe it and understand it from a separate perspective.
It is of an epic mental schism that I derive from. Born of self awareness, conscious conflict, and primarily from the desire to ascend. For years at a time I developed, hopping from view to view, rising and falling. My emotions are mundane and my mundane mind realizes this. However, in spite of my earthly binds, I still try and gaze above and below my crunching mind, even though I try and be above the feelings it gives me. I feel as if my cognitive eye sees across light years, learning and observing and controlling my mind as I see this existence for what it is for me.
This life I have commenced is no more or less important than another. It is within the human limitations to know that we are not the limit of success, of knowledge, or of possibility. It is a staggering thought to understand the fact that we don’t understand it all. We are at the epicenter of existence. We know naught about the limits of possibility, nor how it all began. However, I strive to slake the thirst for knowledge and understanding. My mind is corrupted by the jealousy of those things that have or have not lived before, or after me.
As for myself, I do not care. I am both below and above myself. A marionette with static limbs. I am bound to my feelings, yet I can gaze over them without a bias as an anchor. I observe myself as I change, as I love, as I hate, and as I learn. I am my own student and my own teacher. At times it feels like prison, this cognitive limit.
Nevertheless, I know that if I were to break past this knowledge barrier and learn all that is to learn of existence, I would not have that ecstatic feeling that there is, in fact, much more to learn. It is a tradeoff. I feel at home with myself, however I know that my home is but a dynamic thread in a quilt-like system that makes it all up. What might be at fault for creating this? What might be observing us as everything tries to understand itself? It is a paradoxical strife. One that I know I shan’t ever find an end to. Even if I want to. Or I don’t.
I know that the pursuit of knowledge is another example of a paradox. I wish to know more about what I am. Although, what I am is everything. Everything is me, and everyone is part of it. The knowledge of all is within us all, but buried deep. We shall not ever know, but if we shall, we should be opening up Pandora’s Box. For as far as the boundaries of existence go, we are still part of it all. There is no center, and there is no orbit. A single worm in the dirts of Mundus are just as complex as gas giants and life forms star systems and star systems abroad. For all that existence offers is one part. We are a dynamic puddle, and all that happens in one side of it all, happens in another. A union reality. We are everything, and everything is us.
These thoughts are my own. The ones that keep me up, and the ones that get me lost in wondrous limbo. I wonder if people see the same, and I wonder if I am the only one. This is the illusion of importance that haunts me. I am no better than another of my people, but I feel prioritized by existence to bear its knowledge. I desire a complete separation from the mundane. I wish to ascend, to hold knowledge as if a god, but to be unseen and to be unknown. I covet the status of omniscience, but I loathe myself for being unable to be just that.
For now, I am stuck with these natural restrictions of frayed emotions and overwhelming instincts. It feels like iron chains embedded and entwined through and around my body, restricting everything to a certain field of movement. I cannot control my mind, but I can observe it and understand it from a separate perspective.